My First Loss
Here’s the story of my first pregnancy loss.
We married in July 2005, and started trying for a baby right away. I always imagined I’d be one of those “Ooooh, my period is late.. best go check!” people but within days of coming off the contraception, I was scouring the Internet for as much information on how to make babies as possible. I’ve always loved biology, and being a geek I had to know it all. So on the second cycle I was charting.. and through sheer luck, we got our first positive result. Steve was unimpressed.. he’d believed me when I said it took an average of six months. As it probably does if you’re not obsessed like I was!
The words are taken from journal entries I made at the time. Text in italics are notes I am making now and not at the time.
WARNING – GRAPHIC MEDICAL DETAIL IN PLACES
14th September 2005
I am not fat.
5 tests cannot be wrong (yes, I just did another two after holding in my wee all day!) and I double-checked and they’re pinkish tinged as well, so they’re not evaps. [I'm already talking in TTC (trying to conceive)-speak! An evap is a faulty test where the second positive line only appears after the time limit - short for "evaporation line"]
Still, it’s 50/50 as these things go if it sticks. But at least I know we’re both fertile!
Steve just told me I ruined his life and that he wants to name it “Ruined-my-Life Thurgood” 
Ironically today is the flattest my tummy has been in a long time..
September 16th 2005
Everything is still looking good, only I am torturing myself as the sticks don’t seem to be getting any darker. [I had lots of cheap tests, and you can often measure pregnancy hormone levels in early pregnancy by how dark the line is] They’re not getting lighter which is the important thing, but still. Temperature is still high [base body temperature goes up at ovulation and stays up if you don't get your period] , only it dipped by .04C this morning, which could be down to the room being cooler than normal.
So I have booked an appointment with the doctor for half an hour’s time and I will ask him to do me a quantitive HCG and progesterone. I really hope he does. [As it happened, the female doctor I ended up seeing was dreadful, did nothing, and told me I wouldn't miscarry as apparently only 1% of women do and that all women ovulate on day 14..] I know the Americans on the forum I read have no problems with this, but this is the UK and they may well do things differently here as it’s the NHS, not paid-for healthcare. I really want to know what my progesterone levels are because I’m having none of the usual high-progesterone symptoms and it’s likely they might be skewy after coming off the pill not that long ago. If I can save this little one with progesterone supplements, I would be gutted if I lost it because I didn’t ask. [Turns out most UK doctors don't prescribe progesterone at all, least of all GPs]
I just hope the doctor doesn’t hate me for being a know-it-all, as I have experienced doctors like that in the past *sigh* You’d think they’d be pleased that they can talk their medical talk at the patient and have them understand, but instead some of them are just resentful. [Oh boy, this was just the beginning..]
11dpo [days past ovulation] this morning. I was forecast to have my period yesterday based on last month’s screwed up LP length, so technically I’ve missed my period!! 
I reassured myself a bit last night by reading a book I bought 6 months ago about planning a baby. It said that once the egg is implanted, only 30% fail, which is a lot less than I thought. So maybe, just maybe!
As Steve went out the door this morning, I said I bet he’d be sad if the baby didn’t make it. He actually said he might be!
If this all goes bad, permission to get exceedingly drunk?
September 17th 2005
Today I woke up all relaxed and made myself promise not to stress out – and I was doing fine (I’d even slept properly for the first time this week!) and was nice and chilled until I went to the toilet and there was loads of *brown* “spotting” (more like a mini-flow) [I later found out this is a classic symptom of blighted ovums]
It’s stopped now, an hour or so later, but I did have some cramps that weren’t like the Other Cramps earlier – they were more time-of-the-month cramps. I’m holding on to a few ideas – maybe it was the placenta attaching, maybe it’s just my body having a mini sympathy period (I suspect I’d be due around now if this were a normal month as I’m 12dpo – slightly longer than last month thanks to the pill wearing off) Frustratingly whilst so many people say they bled throughout their first trimester and had periods and all sorts which was really reassuring, there’s plenty of others who say “Help, I’m spotting” followed by “Help, it’s gone red” followed by “Well, hope to see you back on this pregnancy board again one day”. Mum told me that she bled loads in the first trimester with me and swore I was lost at one point and the doctor had even scheduled a D+C and everything, but she was sure I wasn’t a goner, and obviously she was right
On the plus side, I immediately took 3 tests (of course!!) and got a line straight away on all of them, including a bog-standard “test after your period is late” one (i.e. not my usual ultra-sensitive ones) – a nice dark line easily visible in the dimmest of conditions. Still not as dark as the control line but it shows quite clearly that my HCG levels are loads higher and clearly headed in the right direction.
There is nothing I can do to change what will happen, so I shall just try to relax. The nice strong tests are making me hopeful and therefore a lot less stressed. If everything is still fine on Monday I think I can be cautiously optimistic! I’ve told the little thing to hang on in there, and what will be will be.
18th September 2005 (ironically, a year to the day before B’s arrival)
Temperature: High – in fact the highest they’ve been for a few days. Will probably stop taking it soon.
Cramps: None – apart from the odd twinge that I’ve been having for days
Wee on a stick: Reassuringly non-faint (yesterday’s taken with phone camera – as you can imagine for real they look loads darker!)
Other: Dang, I feel queasy (as I have done a couple of times of late) Hurray!!
Me: Probably thinking that yesterday’s incident did me good as it means I am now far less likely to worry over everything else! And I’m feeling loads more relaxed, helped by knowing that as yesterday was probably my “period”, I can now say I am in week 3 according to this website, and thus only a 10% chance of failure! Never thought I’d feel so pleased to feel sick!
Weight: Lightest I’ve ever been in years, typically. This is because I’ve rather annoyingly lost my appetite over the last 5 or 6 days. Mum told me all she could eat was mashed potato and milk throughout all her pregnancy with Jake so I hope that doesn’t happen here!
These updates: Unlikely to have many more unless something of note happens
Overall Status: HAPPY! (and clearly not-fat!) Mini-me incoming, seemingly!!
October 6th 2005
Went to the Doctor today, as arranged six million years ago. And what a marked difference from last time!
Very friendly receptionists (where did the dragon go?!) and a very friendly and welcoming and genuinely interested doctor. I told him my concerns (tmi if you don’t already know!), and he said that whilst he was very sure it was fine, because I was worried he immediately gave me a referral letter for a scan tomorrow morning up at the Queen Elizabeth! What a star!
He answered all my other questions properly without being patronising, and even seemed fascinated by my tales of bargain pregnancy tests! And he gave me the booklet the other doctor should have given me which told me how the practice worked and when I’m next supposed to come in and stuff, instead of me being left in limbo and confused after last time.
He also gave me all my blood test results. I’ve never had blood tests for everything before – only cholesterol, so I had no idea if I was riddled with evil diseases, faulty thyroids, diabetes, HIV or what. I guess I’ve always been afraid to find out. Well, I know now – and this livejournal user is as fit as a fiddle! I mean, I have always been cautious but certain of my partners weren’t and there is always that nagging doubt. So it is a great relief to know. Heck, I don’t even have faulty blood glucose which I was sure I had! And my eBay blood test results were the same as a proper test, so I guess that worked too! Me kidneys were a bit high, but he said that can be down to dehydration, and seeing as it was a hot day and I’d been in hot buses and hadn’t had a drink for ages, that makes sense.
So, roll on tomorrow morning! According to various anecdotal evidence, it’s actually possible to see the heartbeat at 6 weeks and onwards, so maybe, just maybe! And if we don’t see it, it doesn’t mean anything as it can take a little longer. They might call me back for a later scan if they don’t see it anyway just to be sure. Hopefully my mind will be put at rest tomorrow though – I certainly hope so.
October 7th 2005
Look up what “blighted ovum” means. That’s what I have.
Steve is staying home with me today. I hope to still come out to see Rattler and Krys later as I’ll probably need cheering up somehow.
The nice nurse [who gave me leaflets from the Miscarriage Association at this time] said I have a lovely sac. All 20.3mm of it – the size of an 8 week pregnancy. Shame it’s fucking empty. Trust me to be in the 3%.
[Later that day..]
I went out for a drink but it doesn’t have much impact long term. Furious at my body even though I logically know I did nothing wrong. But I still feel so pregnant which is just so insulting. I just want it to be over so I can start again. I don’t want this cruel morning sickness and fatigue, it’s like it’s laughing at me. I want it to be yesterday when there was nothing other than a slight concern that statistically and “logically” was nothing. Not this.
This is going to take a while to come to terms with as I’d just convinced myself everything was fine.
8th October 2005
Got my first antenatal appointment with the midwife in the post this morning.
It’s just not funny.
Think I will have a D+C if I haven’t lost it naturally by next Friday as the thought of waiting any longer, especially with this godawful morning sickness, does not fill me with joy and taking the tablets just sounds horrid.
I really wanted a May baby. All the women in my family are late April/May/early June. I felt sure this one was a girl too, so I bet the next one will be a boy.
14th October 2005
Went to the hospital bright and early but still took us an hour to be seen, even though we got there 20 minutes before the department opened. Saw all the scared women again. Saw how they scowled at the women who’d bring in their 6 month year olds and talk cute at them – a healthy, happy baby is probably the last thing the women waiting in this department want to see. The woman who went in in front of me looked so sad, and sure enough afterwards the nurse told me that “someone” (it could only have been her) was already in to see the doctor for the same reason as me.
So went for the scan. Sac size last week 20.3mm. Today it was 26.3mm. Sacs grow at around 1mm a day. So yeah, sac is having a lovely time growing. Except it’s still absolutely empty. Not even a yolk, which you’re supposed to see at 5 weeks or so. I’m 8 weeks. It looks a little something like this although in that picture the sac is starting to collapse and mine still looks fine. Essentially, I’m diagnosed with this.
I made the decision to have a D&C. I’ve been showing no signs whatsoever of miscarrying, and although thank god my symptoms have been fading, I can’t face anything up to a few months of waiting on tenterhooks for the agony of miscarriage, knowing that each day that goes by, the bleeding will be worse. I’m as sure as I can be that there is no baby. It should have appeared by now, and I don’t have a tilted uterus, so that is that. The loss of most of my symptoms is also reassuring, although I’m gutted that I’m starting to show – whilst still being lighter than ever.
The hospital is actually a very good hospital [ha ha!], because they’re going to test the “retained products of conception” (such a lovely term) and see if they can find out what went wrong. Normally nobody would do this until it failed three times, so I am very grateful. [not true - all hospitals do basic tests to check for molar pregnancy etc and this was all they were doing, nothing more] It certainly helps with closure. They also said the only thing stopping us from trying again asap is our emotional state as some women don’t want the stress again so soon, so that’s a relief too.
Monday morning at 7:30am I go to the hospital, have my first ever General Anaesthetic, and they do grim things with weird tools to bits of my body, get stuff out, and then I come round. Steve picks me up and takes me home. I don’t go into work for a few days. The doctor said I should take a few weeks off, but somehow the grinning expression on my line manager’s face when I told him I’d lost my baby (he seemed to think it was on a par with a grazed knee) means that I don’t think they’d be very understanding, kind though they are.
Only just got back to work as I had to have another blood test to get some haemoglobin test or other so they can have blood ready for me in case I start haemorraging in the operation (yay!) Of course, even though we were out of the scanning place by half 10, we didn’t leave the hospital until 12:30 because there was a 90 minute wait for blood tests. And it hurt. It never did last time!
Thank you so, so much to Kirsten and Suzi for the flowers, they’re really appreciated and made me cry in front of fuckwit [someone at work] features (as discretely as I could!) as Steve sent me an MMS of them as I had to go back to work. It means so much!
17th October 2005
Back from hospital. Very tired. Not dead. Vaguely worried because they didn’t get much out, which probably translates as a bloody painful mess for the next god knows how long. No mention of finding anything though, which is a relief. Unless it’s still in there. Lots of pain which has receded now.
I have lots of trashy magazines to read so I’m happy. And they gave me free cake. And lots of prescription drugs.
Fingers crossed I won’t have to go back in the next week, but there’s a possibility.
1st November 2005
Probably the last one unless anything vaguely significant happens, so brace yerselves..
Christmas came and went, and in early January we conceived baby B. There was a lot of red bleeding along the way for the first six weeks, but she hung on there. At 18 weeks we took a trip to America and Canada (this becomes something of a habit in successful pregnancies it seems!) and all was well. I developed SPD (pain with the ligaments in my pelvis) and could not walk very well from around 22 weeks pregnant, but life went on. And on September 18th 2006, she decided to show up 3 weeks early!
If you want to read the birth story, you can read it here.
If you want to skip right to the story of my second loss, you can read about it here.
